Heartache While Doing Heartwork: A Message for Grieving Social Workers

Most Social Workers confidently walk alongside others with compassion while they navigate grief and loss, but I’ve heard time and time again how disorienting it is for helpers to find themselves experiencing sorrow and heartache while continuing to support others. Grief, both in Social Work and in our personal lives, is inevitable. So, rather than minimizing or avoiding experiences of grief, helping professionals need strategies for tending to their aching hearts - and that’s exactly what I’ll be covering in this blog post.

If you’ve been hanging around this corner of the internet for a while now, you’ve likely heard me emphasize that Social Workers are humans first. Not superheroes or miracle workers; just human beings who care a whole awful lot and show up in spaces other people avoid. Being human means that we experience grief and loss. 

Social Workers are not exempt from losing friends and family, from divorces, lay-offs, miscarriages or other types of profound, life-altering loss. We may also find ourselves grieving the deaths of our clients, or feeling deep sorrow as we witness the systems we work within hurt the people we serve. And we can’t forget about those collective losses that can impact an entire community. We’re exposed to heartbreak and suffering every day and we can experience this vicariously. 

Our society rushes us along through our grief. We receive a wave of support at the beginning, and then we’re expected to “move on”. We might make space for our clients to mourn without a timeline, validating their feelings along the way; but many Social Workers don’t allow themselves the same grace. Instead, we return to work, heading back into emotionally charged workplaces, showing up with empathy and compassion for others while our hearts are still aching. What makes this all the more difficult is the feeling that we’re carrying an invisible grief, all alone.

Heartache While Doing Heartwork

My own grief journey has challenged me in new ways over the past few years. Early on I made a few mistakes; I kept my losses to myself and tried to navigate them alone. I returned to work too early and ended up crying in the lunch room. There were even times I scolded myself for not being “over it”, for not moving into the acceptance and wise sage stage of grief faster (wasn’t I supposed to have learned a valuable lesson and feel grounded enough to be there for others by now??)

With each loss I experienced over the past four years, I’ve learned how to tend to my own feelings of sorrow with deeper care and compassion. My season of grief is not over, but how I approach it and respond to my own heartache has changed significantly. 

Here’s what I’ve found the most helpful in finding the balance of honouring my own needs while continuing to provide ethical and effective therapy for my clients.

Tips for Grieving While Social Working

Take Time Off

However much you think you need, take a couple more days. While you're at it, sprinkle in a few bonus days over the next few months (you’ll probably need them, and it will help you avoid the guilt of canceling client appointments or meetings).

Adjust Your Caseload

Your capacity is different right now, and there may be certain clients who trigger your grief significantly enough to impact your ability to do your work. Be honest with yourself about your capacity and what you need to continue serving your clients in meaningful ways.

Dedicate Time to Honour Your Grief

Carve out dedicated time to acknowledge and express your emotions - cry, paint, write, or meditate. You deserve time where you can think about the loss without guilt. Note: This might require asking for support, delegating a few tasks, getting a babysitter (this is the time to do these things, it’s not forever, but it’s essential right now).

See a Therapist

Let yourself be held, nurtured, supported. Take off the caregiver hat, release a deep exhale, and allow someone else to hold space for you and your feelings.

Lean on Your Community

Not everyone will be able to hold your sorrow but people will show up in the ways they can. Accept the offers of food, errands, childcare, coffee, distractions. If people say you can call them up, let them be there for you.

A Call For Community Care

Working within a team means there is often at least one person in the room navigating a loss. Showing up for each other after a loss is an essential part of the community care that keeps this work sustainable and helps us all prevent burnout. We want to stay within the realm of professionalism, respect each person’s wishes, while also creating space for our humanness. 

In my hardest moments of grief and loss, nothing has made me feel more seen and cared for than the check-in after some time has passed. Grief is something we can carry in our hearts for years, or even a lifetime and when the world moves on around us, we can feel alone in it. 

That’s why I love the love in action empathy cards. These Six cards are designed to be sent to a loved one over six months, and offer the heartfelt messages that bring solace during moments of deep suffering, loneliness and loss. 

They are the perfect tool for community care and showing up for each other in the tough moments, even if we’re tired ourselves because it simplifies the process and each card feels like a warm hug.

These empathy cards are an invitation to sustained presence 

— small rituals of care, offered steadily, intentionally, over time.

Be sure to join the care collective, if these cards are something you might use regularly in your practice, and receive discounts on bulk orders of the love in action empathy cards!

Don't forget, Social Worker, your grief is valid. You deserve the same gentle care and compassion you offer your grieving clients.

xo. Amy